I've fed the lawn: I've watered the lawn: I've mowed the lawn: raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize my lawn? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of the IRS! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
Imagine the conversation The Mighty Creator might have with St Francis about this: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."
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"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers
'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and
replace them with grass." "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds, and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?" "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn." |
"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass
grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it -- sometimes twice a week."
"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags."
"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."
"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it
will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay
to throw it away?"
"Yes, sir."
"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we
cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely
slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."
"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid
of it."
"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That
was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The
trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and
shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground
and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil
and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the
leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural
circle of life."
"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them
into great piles and have them hauled away."
"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots
in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy
something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it
around in place of the leaves."
"And where do they get this mulch?"
"They cut down trees and grind them up."
"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint
Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have
you scheduled for us tonight?"
"'Dumb and Dumber,' Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about..."
"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
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